Mother's Day will be a little different this year.....

Quite frankly, I have dreaded this coming Sunday. I am a MOM and I love how Matthew loves me, but losing my mom only a month ago brings much sadness and heartbreak on such a special day.  

Short story to share...I hate to fly.  I think it is totally a control thing, but I hate it.  Our short flight was literally a hop from Salt Lake to St. George as we came home from burying my mother.  It was bouncy and unnerving, but Matthew took my hand and held it asking, "Are you okay mom?"  I just shook my head.

He then dropped some words at me that I was not expecting.  "Mom, you may not realize it or even think it, but you were a really good daughter to both your parents, but especially your mom."  Words from my son that I was not expecting brought more tears to my eyes when I thought I had shed enough for the year.  My beautiful teenage boy, that at times drives me to the crazy point, shared those words with me.

My mom was a force and a great mother.  I try to be like her, not all the time, but mostly I follow in her footsteps with strict discipline and conversations with Matthew that he doesn't realize their importance at the moment. However, I hope as he ages and becomes a parent himself, he will understand all the wonderfulness that has surrounded him.  

There are days he just rolls his eyes at me about something I've said, or me being quirky in the grocery store when a good song comes on (I totally dance a cart down the aisle and I don't care what anyone thinks).  He gets frustrated when we go on vacation and I make it very clear, electronics are not an option on our family trips.  I hope he understands how meaningful those family moments are and embraces them.

My parents never went further than the Outer Banks with me.  Most of my trips were with the youth group at our church, doing missionary work across the United States, and even Canada.  I am grateful for my family at Second Baptist, and many of them I saw at Mom's visitation.  Our family trips NOW, I hope he remembers for a lifetime and can share stories with his family as he grows older.  I want our family to be more than just a trip to the beach, but to be learning and life experiences.

Momma, know I'm missing you and my heart aches on a daily basis. I know it will get easier, but damn, right now it's still a hardship I just can't fathom.  I miss our morning coffees on Sunday as I shared photography and stories with you.  I miss us arguing about stupid shit.  I miss us laughing about how broccoli and sweet potatoes make you fart.  I miss your smile.  

We had so many arguments as I grew up to be a young adult. I would lock myself in the bathroom just to escape you at times....which was unfair since our little house only had ONE bathroom.   Right now, I'd give anything to have you back to argue, to kiss, and to hug you.  You were my best friend and confidante.  You taught me to be self-reliant and independent.  "I do as I want" has been my motto from the time I left that house and bought my own. Despite being married and a mother, I still live by this.  You were a beautiful and unrelenting soul and I hope I can be half the woman you were to me and our world. I love you momma and hope you are hearing and reading these words with Jesus by your side.